The Jocelyn Letters

[Rianna Priest]

"The sky is the limit."

You always used to tell me that when I didn't think I could do something. We'd walk along the beach together, chatting quietly as the waves rolled in off the rocks.

Thats where I am right now. I'm sitting on the beach, watching the sunset as the waves roll in off the rocks. The shushing noise from the waves is relaxing, but it does nothing to settle my nerves. My whole body is numb. It's cold out, but I feel nothing besides sorrow and...anger. You promised me you'd stay with me forever, but you lied.

Things were fine that morning, as far as I can recall. We were both joking around and having fun, at least it seemed that way. Was that all just a mask? A act? I can't help but think that it was something that I did, even though I know it wasn't.
This hurts more than anything else I've been through, and thats a lot. You know that as well as anyone in our family. They don't know as much as you did, and they probably never will.

Why on earth did you do it? Why did it have to happen to you? You were my everything and now you're gone, so where does that leave me? You know I've never been good on my own.

We'd always loved the rain, you and I. Who would have thought that the thing we loved would take you away from me.

It's been so hard for me at school these past few days. Everybody looks at me with pity, which we all know I hate. People come up to me and say their sorry, but for what? They didn't kill you.

I'm glad I have friends to get me through this, because I don't know what I would do otherwise. They are the only reason I get up in the morning anymore.
It's so dark out, I must've been here ffor hours by now. Everyone's probably wondering where I am since I purposefully left my phone at home. Right now, I need some time to myself and thats hard to get when everyone keeps calling you.
They think they have to keep watch on me constantly, and I don't like it. Sure, having Jullian and Mikey over all the time is fun, but it isn't the same without you hanging with us. If only you had just listened to me and stayed home instead of going out. But its too late now for 'if only'.

I'm cold, hungry and wet. Wet...of courase, it's raining again. It's raining just like the day it was you were taken away. But I enjoy the cold; it numbs the pain and makes everything go away. It numbs everything.

But the cold's vanished and I'm warm. Why am I warm? Whose arms are wrapped around me? Are they yours brother? Of course not, it's just Mikey come to take me away from here.

He's talking to me, telling me I'm going to be ok, but that its going to take some time. If only I could believe that. For now, I'll have to settle on putting up my own act. They'll never know the difference, not like you would.

I want to believe Mikey, and Jullian too, but they don't understand how close we were. Sure, they have siblings, but not a twin. They don't have a bond with their siblings like the one we had.

As I stare out the window of the car, I see nothing of the real world. What I see is our parents dying againm and then it changes to you. The tears are flowing endlessly now, they're becoming harder to stop. I never used to cry, at least not in front of people. It seems that its all I've been doing recently.

There's Jullian, waiting on the two of us on the front porch with towels in hand. I'm ushured inside towards the frieplace, which is crackling and spitting fire out. The flames lick away at the wood, eating it up.

Jullian and Mikey watch me quietly, knowing better than to say something. After a few minutes, I wipe my eyes quietly on the sleeve of my hoodie.They take this as a good sign and I'm enveloped in their arms. Yes, even Jullian has been hugging me lately.

I'm not alone. There is more to this I know. I can make it through, I will live to tell.

Does that sound familiar at all to you? It should, since it...was one of your most favorite songs ever. I listen to it everyday now, as a little reminder of sorts. But in a way, maybe it's a good reminder. A reminder of the way things are always going to get better.

I just need to move on, because we both know that this isn't healthy for me. I just want you to know...that you'll always be in my heart bro. Always.

[Rianna Priest]

It's been a while since I ran off to the beach that day. Three months to be exact, and I've been going to therapy for two and a half months. I'm sure you'd be proud of how much progress I've made.

Having Ryan by myside at all the meetings has helped too. His mom was killed in a gang shootout a month after you died, in case you were wondering.

Auntie is still as active as ever, if you know what I mean. She says it keeps her mind off of the bad stuff, but we both know that's bullshit. I've moved into your room and have been sleeping there since you died. All your studd is still where ou left it, and mine stays in my old room. Well, most of it does. My guitar is next to yours on its stand in the corner, and my laptop sits on the floor under the bed when I'm not using it. But that's all that I brought in here to be honest.

You probably saw this coming all along but Mikey and Jullian are a couple now and have been for about two months. Me and Ryan are still going steady, which I think is in part to losing people so close to us. He's spent the night a couple of times, but don't worry, we haven't done anything but kiss and cuddle. I could never do anything like that in your bed.

Graduation is next month and I was told they were going to do something special in your memory. I'm going to end up bawling in front of everyone, just you watch.

Speaking of crying, I've gone back to being the shy, quiet girl you used to worry about all the time. Ryan watches out for me, as do Mikey and Jullian. Ryan believes he owes it to you for letting him date me without putting up much of a fight. Mikey and Jullian are like my adopted brothers in a way, so that their reason for defending me. It's nice to be surrounded by so many loving people, but it still isn't the same as being able to hug you. God I miss your hugs.

I made a promise to myself that when I have a kid, I'm naming him after you. I made it into Penn State, but I dunno if I really want to go there anymore. If the other three get in, then I'll go, but I won't otherwise. I can't risk having a breakdown with no one there to help me. Although I've been doing well, I still have moments where I just want to fall down and start crying. Those are days when I just want to come home and sleep the day away.

I've been working at Hot Topic with Jullian for some money since last month, mainly because Auntie refuses to give me money half the time with the excuse of having to save money for the wedding. She plans on marrying the bastard that raped me last year, and wants me to be the brides maid. I flat out refused to do it. What else could I do to show my disapproval of her choice? I don't even think I'm going to go to the wedding, I'll probably end up going to Mikey's with Jullian and Ryan.

Did I mention Maria called me a whore for wearing my pop tab necklace? She assumed I din't knw what most people wear them for. Then Austin called me easy, so I punched him in the face. I think I actually broke his nose, so those lessons you gave me did come in handy. I don't think they'll be messing with me anytime soon.

The therapist said it might be good to get my thoughts onto paper, so I am. I don't think he expected me to write it in a way that it was directed at my dead twin. What he doesn't know won't kill him though.

I love you, Milo.

[Rianna Priest]

Just another one of those days. I'm so sick of the sumpathetic looks I'm getting from everyone. They think I'm worthy of it, therefore I need it. How wrong they are, eh Milo?

Ryan and I went to see Framing Hanley yesterday. They guys all recognized me from when you and I went to see them before. They asked about you and said they're sorry to hear about your death. They also said they'd beenplanning a shirt to help prevent drunk driving. Your name, along with quite a few others, is going to be on it. And I'm getting one for free. Those guys are pretty damn cool.

Treatment... it hasn't gone too well the past few times I've gone. The psychiatrist has basically told me to just forget about you completely. That's just impossible. If we had been the type of siblings who positively hated each other, then I might've been able to. But no, we were twins who did pretty much anything and everything together. I'm grateful for that, to be honest with you.

And Maria. That girl just screams "Shoot me!". She makes crude remarks about me being in love with you in the middle of class. It gets dead silent as everyone waits for my reply. "He was my only family left," is all I ever say about it anymore.

Auntie abandoned me the day she married that scumbag. He thinks that I'll do what he tells me to. Yeah right, that'll happen when pigs fly. I've taken to staying the night with Mikey, Jullian or Ryan whenever possible. That or I have them stay the night. Which ever is the safest on that day. Usually we all sleep here, unfortunately. That bastard tried to come in and rape me again the other night.. Boy did he have a surprise when Ryan and Mikey both rose from the bed and beat his ass. It was pretty damn funny, considering he's the size of both of them combined.

So I'm not exactly sure where I stand with Ryan. I know I love him, and I know he loves me, but there's still a lot of uncertainty there. But I know you. You'd tell me not to worry about it because Ryan really does care about me. I'm right, aren't I, Milo? Course, I know I'm right. I also know I'm still talking to my dead twin brother. No wonder half of the people at school think I've lost my bloody mind. It seems that the only ones who understand are Ryan, Jullian and Mikey.

Then again, all three of them have been through some sort of hell themselves. I've come to find that there is a lot more in their pasts then they've let on before. It amazes me when I find out something new about them. The same goes for when they learn something new about me. Which there is an awful lot of, eh? There are things that not even you knew about me... yeah, sorry about that.

I miss you so much, Milo. The others only understand so much about the loss that I feel. Nobody around here truly understands how much you meant to me aside from Auntie. And since she has pretty much abandoned me, that leaves nobody who really understands. There are so many days that have gone by when I wished that I could have one more chance to keep you from going out. I really think I might've been able to stop you had I tried any harder. Who knows for sure though? I might not have been able to stop you. But I feel the slightest bit of comfort knowing things might have been different if I would've tried just that slightest bit harder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let it go. It's in the past and there's nothing I can do to change this. Sometimes, I think of you when I make a decision. I always double check my answer to the one you would have made in the same situation. It's saved me from getting into trouble quite a few times. It seems like I always see your face or hear your voice when I think I'm about to make a bad choice. It's almost as if you're watching over me to keep me safe.

I've got to go. Auntie's forcing me to go the grocery store to restock eht kitchen. That bastard of a man goes through practically everything in little under two weeks. Then he blames it on me, Ryan, Jullian and Mikey, when we all know how little all of us eat when we are home, let alone antwhere else. That bloody man is going to fuck up so badly one of these days, and I'm gonna laugh so bad because he'll get caught.

Anyways, I don't know when I'll be able to write again, Milo. But this isn't hte last time I'll write to you, I promise.

Much love, as always,
Jocelyn

[Rianna Priest]

It's finally over. I'm done with my group therapy after little more than a year. Over this year, I've goteen to know all of the people really well, but I've grown tired of hearing about their issues while they think they "really" know me. Hah, the only ones that really know me anymore are Ryan, Jullian, Mikey... and you. Oh, and I guess Nixon. I've been talking to him a lot on twitter lately. He's a lot more down to earth than people think. He's really nice and listens to what you have to say, then gets to know you better before judging you. It's a refreshing thing. Because all of us know how much I hate being judged by people who don't know me.

Yeah, Nixon is just a really cool guy. He understands where I'm coming from when I say I don't want sympathy anymore. I never wanted other people's sympathy. To me, it's just a waste of emotion. I really don't see the point in showing a person sympathy that they don't want.

Surprise, surprise, guess who's pregnant? Haha, don't worry, it's not me. Auntie and that fat bastard finally suceeded, sadly. They wanna turn your room into the goddamn nursery, even though there is a spare room downstairs by their bedroom. I told them hell no, because then I'd be in charge of taking care of their devil spawn. Hell no, I refuse. N. O. I am not gonna lose what's left of my life to take care of a cousin that I don't even want. So, I'm moving out. Auntie doesn't know yet, but yeah, so not dealing with them anymore. I'm taking all your things and mine and I'm moving out. All our things combined fill the smalles u-haul trailer, so I might just get myself a small apartment with two bedrooms. Dunno for sure where I'm moving yet, I just know I'm moving out. MOVING OUT! Halle-fucking-lujah!

Shit, I've gotta go. Auntie's dragging me to the damn grocery store with her because the fat bastard doesn't want to, and I won't go anywhere with him. Haha, never again will I let myself be in a room alone with him. Never.

Mmkay, I'm back. I can't really write around Auntie anymore. She's become so nosy it's annoying. She's always asking what I'm doing or writing then tries to take my writing away and read it. Not smart. Not smart at all. So yeahh, I've been writing poetry again. It kinda just branches from wherever, then turns itself into something that some seem to think is spectacular work. I really don't see it. I've never been that good of a writer, not like you were anyway. I miss reading all your little short stories and stuff that you would write whenever you had spare time. They were always so full of emotion that I felt as if I was the person you were writing about.

You'll never believe what I found in the attic yesterday. Auntie had me go grab one of the old baby cribs to see if she could fix it up. But that's not important. I found Da's old acoustic guitar he used to play when he sung us to sleep. How it got here is beyond me, but I love it. It needs a little work, like new strings and some polishing, but it's still as beautiful as ever. It plays wonderfully too.

Did I mention I'm worried about Ruan? He's been acting raelly strange lately, almost as if he's hiding something. Mikey and Jullian keep telling me not to worry. They say he's just a lot on his mind and that things will be fine is a week or so. Jullian's dubbed it his "man period". I thought that was hilarious. Makes sense though, because you seemed to have your own "man periods" from time to time. I mean no offense by that though, I swear. (:

I'm gonna go for now I guess, though I promise I'll write again soon. Love you bro.

Jocelyn